Day 3

Day 3

Sometimes when I think about what happen I just get so mad. I hate what was done to me. I hate that I could not or did not stop it. I hate that no one cared about me. I hate most of all being weak. I don't remember ever thinking that but I know that I can look back on my life and see the decisions that I made and know that they were made because I did not want to be weak. I did not want to let anybody in because I would be hurt again. Yet, at the same time my biggest desire, my biggest need was to find someone who would see past all of the defenses and see that I was scared and hurt and desperately afraid to be alone. I've never made many friends because I don't like relationships that go beyond the surface. Once you have let someone in then you can be hurt and everyone knows that is what people do they hurt you. Relationships aren't about love, caring, compassion or any of those other things that we talk about, those are just some high idealized thoughts. Real relationships are about, manipulation, pain, suffering, using, hurt, imposing your will on someone weaker. I'm tired of living that way. I'm tired of always waiting for the pain to begin in a relationship so I never really give, I never let some one in fully. I thank GOD for finding a man who understand deep hurts and who doesn't give up when I begin to push him away. There have been times when it's been close, there have been times when we both have wanted to give up and quit but he doesn't. There he is the next day ready to put his arms around me once again and move forward. I thank GOD for sending me what I needed before I even knew I needed it. The games you taught me to play. The manipulation I learned in my childhood. The taking and never giving back. Those and so many more stop today! They will not continue in my life. The harm done to children. The pain cause to them. The idea that there is no one you can trust. That they are there for me to mess with, play games with and to use to fulfill my own selfish twisted desires they stop with me. They do not get passed down to my kids. I am tired of being filled with hurt and anger. I am tired of being scared and waiting for the next bad thing. Today I look forward to loving and being loved. Today I look forward to the good things that are happening. Life is not all dark. Today I stand in the light!