Day 1

Day 1

I'm not even sure where to start. This whole process is scary for me but I know one thing that I am going to see it through to the end. I'm tired of living with this inside me it feels like rot, like some disease eating away at me and what I have realized in the last few months that scares me is that I have become so use to it eating away at me that I was scared to let it go. If I let it go who will I be? What happens to me when this is gone? I still don't have the answers to this but I know that whatever I look like when this is done whoever I am I am one step closer to being the person God created me to be.

It's hard for me even now to talk about it and talk about what it really did to me. For so many years I was forced to pretend like everything was alright. I was forced to pretend like I had forgiven and forgotten, like it no longer mattered , if it ever was allowed to, to me. That in itself makes me angry! I was hurt, ripped, apart, abused and destroyed and when it became known, no one worried about what it had done to me. No one cared what I was feeling or thinking. Everyone worried about whether or not you would go to jail? If mom was ok? What was everyone thinking? Who do we tell? Who can't will we tell? How do we tell them? How do we minimize the damage? I was alone left forgotten in one foster home after another, with people who thought I was just out for attention! I was told I had to be strong and hold the family together. I was told I had to go to the judge and beg him not to throw you in jail! I was told not to talk to much because I didn't want to hurt the family more then it was! I was asked questions like why had I done this? Everyone was mad at me! So I did all that was asked of me and for years it has been my burden to bear. My burden that the family is a wreck. My burden that you have health problems. My burden that we had a bad childhood. How did I know this? How did I know that it was my fault and therefor my responsibility to fix it? Because, I had been told so from day 1. From the first time I talked and wasn't believed and was treated badly in the foster home. From the first time you were honest and instead of people caring about what had been done to me I was told to fix it. From the way people looked at me, like I was dirty. From the box I was placed into on that day and have never been able to fully climb out of. Because no matter what I do or what I accomplish attached to what people think of me it's always look at how much she has overcome, look at her family, her childhood, she overcame years of abuse by both parents.