Day 2

Day 2

I was reading what I wrote the first day and it's been a couple of days since I wrote it and I was realizing that I am still so angry and that maybe that anger is part of the disease I feel inside of me. I was thinking about this morning was not so much what I think now but what I was thinking then. I can still remember where I was the first time you touched me the first time you kissed me. Even today I am ashamed of the emotions I felt and the way I reacted. I mean shouldn't I have screamed, run, called someone for help or done any of a thousand things I have thought about since then. Instead I remember feeling scared, exhilarated and thrilled all at the same time. I remember feeling like my head was spinning and when you told me that this was your job to teach me how to be a woman I felt proud that you thought I was becoming a woman and special that you had noticed me for. For the first time in my life I felt like maybe someone actually cared about me. Yet, at the same time I felt just a touch dirty but hey sex was dirty right? So I supposed that if I was becoming a woman and that made me feel dirty then maybe women were dirty. I don't know that I remember rationalizing it quite like that but more just an attitude that I began to develop. The shame pf not realizing that what you were doing was wrong, the shame of realizing that a part of me like the attention and feeling special, the shame of wanting to be special to you. The shame of some part of me enjoying it has lived with me from the moment I realized how wrong it was. Maybe I did something to make you be interested in me. Maybe mom was right and that I was only evil and that I tempted you. Maybe I caused this, maybe there is just something so inherently wrong with me and bad in me that I did this to myself and just brought you down with me. I deserved this. I was born dirty and no matter what can't be clean. If it hadn't been you it would have been someone else because it's what I deserved. Most girls would have told they would have known it was wrong, they would have fought back. If I deserved something better shouldn't someone have cared? Shouldn't mom have stopped it when she knew? When these things didn't happen, when I was left alone and blamed, then I knew that it was my fault because even when the law became involved no one cared about me, no one stood up for me or thought about me and isn't that what they would have done if I didn't deserve it?